Change

It´s a very humid july night, you just have to sit outside. My twilight thoughts are about illness and change.
When life changes through illness this is out of our control, and we have to learn to accept it, - live with it and do the best we can. Life isn´t always an open book, sometimes it´s closed, and we have no idea what the ending will be.
In this moment my life is constantly changing through illness, day by day, hour by hour. It´s when I sit alone and think that I wonder how many more changes are to come, and what will it lead to.
This is not a good thought because then I am concentrating on the future, that may never arrive for any of us.
So I´m learning to live each day to the full, I don´t mean out partying but appreciating, what I have and the small things in life. Enjoying the sensation of cold water in my morning swim. Accepting the warmth of the sun and be happy. I smile more than I ever did, so it´s working.
I offer a smile to all of you who read this blog, and thankyou for your visit.

Little drops of rain

And if the sun refused to shine, would I still be loving you, and if mountains crumbled into the sea, would there still be you and me? (Led Zeppelin)

if there was no light would things be the same, and if life changed drastically, would we pass this together. Sometimes as I sit alone on this terrace I wonder about these things, life is always changing affecting us all, but what if things change for the worst...no more is there peace in the world...no more are we together...no longer do we connect or understand such things. These days I feel darkness in my life...what happened to the light, yes it´s still shining but very softly. I have a heavy heart...not only for a loved one but for family, friends and people I once knew. the answer is "If the sun refused to shine ,would I still be loving you?" the answer is yes.... all of you......

"Little drops of rain, whisper down the pane, tears of love lost in the days gone by" (Led Zeppelin)

What if?

Reach out and touch, reach out and touch but the anger is creating a block. A misunderstanding or a moment of stress can fuse such powerful and destructive emotions. silence prevails, I like to listen to silence, but not this kind of silence...stoney cold. Maybe life is about to change again in another way. All this change makes me tired. Why do things erupt from nothing? Why can you see only one side and not two. Why cant two adult people behave like adults, and why do people who are supposed to love each other...hurt each other? And what if the sky was red?
Where do we go from here? for a women who hasn´t any tears it´s hard to cry. I think they must have been used up during the course of my life....and what if i tell you I love you and you turn your back and walk away? Maybe the tide is turning and the terrace has become an ocean.

Archways of the mind

Yes I have memories and many of them as I travel through those hidden arches deep within my mind. It´s a little like fighting your way through an overflowing filing cabinet and not being an organised person, the result is really quite amazing, fragments of memories long past, intertwined with those of yesterday, joy mixed with pain, dark mixed with light. Why do we retain so many memories? Why do memories of so long ago emerge in last nights dream, intertwined with symbols and reflections? For sure they are trying to tell, explain or resolve a problem. These archways of the mind are so valuable, exploring them enables you to revisit times past or remember people no longer in your life. Today will become another chamber in your memory.

I believe in angels

I sit on the terrace awaiting the darkness of night, and notice the statue of an angel that I have placed amidst the rocks I collected from the beach. It looks beautiful and illuminous, caught by the light of neighbouring houses. The day has been hot and without air, the sky has been closed for days. I wonder why I have such an attraction towards angels, Is it because I believe in them, I´ve often had visions of angels walking around and wondered if we could really see them would there be many standing on this terrace or in the living room when your watching TV, or standing by or sitting on your bed. I like to think there is, a bit like that movie ´City of Angels¨ except I wouldn´t quite like them to be dressed in black crombie coats and black ties. I think of them being more etherial, but partly transparent, voile and feathers, a romantics view, but then I think I would accept them as they are. I was onced touched by an angel or so I think it was, at a dinner with many people, at first I thought it was someone I knew but then there was no one there..then it happened again and people assured there had been no one, but I think it was an angel telling me to be brave, I at that time had been upset over something. I had a friend when I was very young , her father was yugoslavian and he became the centre of attention in the village because he had seen an angel in the sky....some thought he was crazy but he wasn´t.

Think of the obsession people have with angles, artists, writers film directors and more........

looking within

As the silence enfolds me so do I look inwards for a greater understanding of my life, and who I am. Well we all know who we are but do we really know. I never became the person I thought I would be, and I never felt loved like I felt I should have been. Did one thing influence the other? Did the lack of a hug and a demonstration of love as a child influence my whole being? and why is it so unrepairable? I am far from being a child yet at times I still hurt like one, when life changed for me I wanted someone to wipe my tears and make it better, but the only person that was there ........couldn´t...although he tried. I have a missing link that has been with me all my life, and has damaged the person I could have been, and at times it makes me feel sad, but now I allow myself to acknowledge that feeling and not to hide it away.

call on the wind

Sometimes I think life is like a call on the wind...it lifts you up, carries you to different places or situations....drops you and blusters you around at times without mercy. When I think about all the terrible tradgedies that have happened with such a great loss of life...I wonder why? Who can answer that..no one. Sometimes we are so materialistic, needing all the latest things, but if there was an earth quake or great flood we would lose all. I am a collector, but of things that might one day be useful, shells, stones shiney things...you name it I collect it, but I think I´m better than I was..I no longer wear designer clothes, or drive the latest model car, I´m not saying that I dislike them but I don´t need them to feel good about my myself. I no longer have the money I once had, but the simple things in life I enjoy. I think what I´m trying to say is that, my life changed and I had to adapt, but I discovered hidden treasures I never knew existed. I am learning to ride the wind.

Where there is life

This photo is taken from a book I am writing.How much this means to me these last days, as I sit in the twilight of the night and think.

The skies have been starless these last days, unusual for this time of year. I reflect on how life can change in an instant, how through one phrase your whole world can alter drastically, in one split second of a decision and the life can change drastically..for better or for worse.

It´s been two years since my life changed and it´s been two years of trying to remain positive, and I think I suceeded in that. I appreciate the phrase, Where there´s life there´s hope. I have also learnt that there are many people in far worse situations than I or you.